“Conflict is never about one person being right and one person being wrong.”
That’s how Tracy Stock, founder of Achieve Positive Outcomes, kicked off her session on transforming negative conflict into a spark for team growth and innovation this week at SHRM24 in Chicago.
There is nothing wrong with disagreement, unless it becomes disrespectful or disruptive, she said. What usually makes it take a turn for the worse is a misunderstanding.
“When negative conflict disrupts, it’s often because we miss the mark on saying the right thing, at the right time, to the right person, for the right reason, and in the right way,” she said.
What creates conflict
Stock polled the room at SHRM, asking for thoughts on what creates conflict. Responses included “lack of communication,” “stress,” and “frustration.”
“There are two primary causes of conflict, and those are simply emotions and communication,” she said. “So y’all nailed it.”
Some people will react viscerally by attacking or punishing, and others will be a bit more silent and quiet — perhaps selectively showing their opinions at times, she said. None of those are healthy responses.
“But we’re human beings, and that happens,” she said. “We also have conflict triggers that trigger us as individuals.”
Six conflict triggers
Stock said there are six triggers that most people feel at various times. They are:
| Conflict Trigger | Description |
|---|---|
| Competence | Occurs when someone’s ability or intelligence is questioned, leading to feelings of being undermined or devalued. |
| Inclusion | Triggered when an individual feels excluded from group interactions or decision-making, contributing to feelings of isolation. |
| Autonomy | Activated when someone’s independence in decision-making is threatened by micromanagement or excessive oversight. |
| Status | Involves threats to a person’s social standing or respect within a group, affecting their perceived value and respect. |
| Reliability | Occurs when doubts are cast on a person’s ability to follow through or meet commitments, questioning their trustworthiness. |
| Morality | Triggered when someone’s ethical values are questioned, implying a lack of integrity or ethical behavior. |
Importance of body language
Highlighting the importance of non-verbal communication, Stock shared insights from social psychologist Amy Cuddy and others, noting that “body language makes up 55% of our communication in face-to-face interactions.”
This statistic underscores the significance of non-verbal cues in either exacerbating or easing conflicts. Here’s the full video from Cuddy’s TED Talk:
Sound of voice and spoken words
Stock also put “sound of voice” into the spotlight, talking about the role of things like pitch, audibility, rate, enunciation, projection and tone in conflict. It can all play a role in how the message is communicated and interpreted by the other person.
“Oftentimes, when we engage in negative conflict, we end up steering the conversation towards absolutes,” she said. That shifts away from the subject and to entrenched positions instead.
“You always do this or you never do that for me,” she said. “When you use those absolutes, it then dilutes the quality and the actual message itself.”
Being specific can go a long way — as it gives a sense of credibility from the other person and it helps narrow and hone in on the issue rather than targeting the behaviour.
“That is so huge because oftentimes our conversations, when they go from being casual to candid to really tough, it gets to be about the person,” she said. “We start degrading, sometimes in pointing fingers almost, at that person.”
Remove the word ‘you’
Her advice is to remove the word “you” from the conversation because it points a finger, and the person will start to feel a sense of blame and, perhaps, even shame. “That doesn’t work well for working through that conflict situation,” said Stock.
For example, instead of saying “You haven’t fixed anything we talked about” try “I don’t see that any of these three identified issues have been fixed yet.” That’s better, but not perfect, she said.
The best way to approach it is: “I would like to discuss the three necessary changes that were identified in the report one week ago, each with a 48-hour resolution timeframe timeline, that don’t appear to be fixed yet.”
That introduces some tentativeness to the direct message. “You’re still being extremely direct and saying what you need to say, because one of the worst things you can do is water the message down,” said Stock.
That might create a “nice” culture, but that’s not what we want, she said. “We want to be nice people, but we need to be able to say things in a way that maximizes candour and minimizes defensiveness.”
Your attitude ‘stinks’
Stock threw out another example for managers in dealing with someone with a bad attitude. Telling them that their attitude “stinks” and that they “never offer solutions, just more problems” is definitely not the way to go. Instead, try this:
“Identifying problems our team faces is certainly important. Equally essential, though, is offering ideas on how to resolve them and doing so in a constructive, fresh, professional, and helpful manner,” she said. That message, delivered one-on-one, can be very effective.
“The person knows exactly that — you’re talking about them, about him or her, right? So you know that the person is getting the message,” said Stock.
Preventing conflict: ‘Facts rule’
A good chunk of the session focused on proactive conflict prevention. “The best way to manage conflict is to prevent it from escalating,” Stock said. She encouraged practices like active listening and immediate, factual feedback to prevent misunderstandings.
“Don’t let conflict get personal. Stick to facts. Facts rule,” she said. “Start with facts, then state your interpretation of those facts. Then share your emotions. Then ask the other person for their input.”
Starting with emotions is a mistake because they can push back a lot easier, she said.
“Don’t dwell on what can’t be changed, focus in on the actionable solutions,” said Stock. “I know that sounds like common sense, but common sense is not always common practice.”
The power of introverts
Stock also had the audience do an exercise on identify themselves as introverts, extroverts or ambiverts before playing Susan Cains’ TED Talk on “The Power of Introverts.”
This is important because workplace conflict often erupts when people feel like they’re not being asked to give their opinion, said Stock.
“When we meet in our meeting rooms, we hear most often from the extroverts because they want to contribute in that way,” she said. To ensure you hear from introverts, send out the information prior to the meeting about what you want to discuss.
“Say, ‘Hey, when we get together, I’m gonna ask everyone for their input,'” she said. “We’re going to do round robin or however you want to do it. But I’m going to ask each and every one of you for your perspective on X, so please come prepared.”
That gives introverts the chance to think through in solitude, she said, referencing Cain’s talk.
Resolving conflict
Stock walked the audience through four strategies to resolve conflict.
| Strategy | Description |
|---|---|
| Acknowledging and clarifying the conflict | Recognize and address when debates turn negative, asking clarifying questions to unearth the real issues beneath surface-level problems. |
| Discussing impact and desired outcomes | Explicitly discuss the effects of the conflict and the desired resolutions to set clear expectations and goals for the outcome. |
| Handling emotional responses | Manage emotional reactions by acknowledging them neutrally, empathizing appropriately, taking breaks when needed, and clearly communicating intentions. |
| Reaching consensus and taking action | Focus on achieving consensus for a resolution, involving all parties in crafting and implementing a solution that addresses collective needs and concerns. |
If consensus cant’ be reached in a conflict, there’s always the opportunity to “seek a third side” through a mediator. Stock played a video from William Ury titled “The Walk from ‘No’ to ‘Yes.'”
